Last Saturday was my first day as a
volunteer trainer at The Canine Club. I'm on good terms with the
owners, and had asked if they needed any help teaching classes.
They said yes, which was a win-win for the both of us. The get my
services for free, and I get to work towards the 300 hours or so of
formal training time I need to become a
Certified Pet Dog Trainer.
The class went very well, from a purely practical perspective. I
was able to provide a lot of hands-on help to individuals that they
might not have gotten without an extra person there, and was able
to share a lot of insight with some of the folks with problem
dogs.
After class, I went in search of Robin. I've learned over the years
that, unless I ask them directly, people don't give me enough
verbal feedback for me to accurately determine how things went from
their perspective. There's nothing worse than strolling along,
thinking things are fine, and then getting sandbagged with the
sudden revelation that little frustrations have been building up in
the other person. So, I asked.
Part of Asperger's Syndrome is that I don't always fully understand
other people's frame of reference, even when I think I do. This was
one of those times. Robin hinted that, while the training itself
went well, she was unsure about my impact on Monica, the lead
trainer.
Apparently, the other trainer hadn't said anything to Robin (and
wasn't there to ask), but Robin seemed to feel that I might have
shunted Monica off to the side or usurped her role in some way, and
that Monica might feel upset about this. Since that had certainly
not been my intention, and because Monica wasn't there to confirm
or deny this supposition, I was forced to conclude that this was
exactly the sort of projective empathy that neurotypical people do
so well, and which folks with AS do so poorly.
Granted, Robin was
assuming that she knew what Monica
felt, and it
is possible that she was mistaken, but I've
learned that one has to assign a certain level of presumptive
accuracy to this sort of feedback from NTs because they have a
"social sixth sense" that I lack.
Still, there's nothing like taking the guesswork out of things. I
let Robin know that I certainly would never mean to hurt Monica's
feelings, and that I had only been trying to help. I suggested that
she speak with Monica, and that if Monica really
did feel
slighted in any way, to make sure one or the other of them gave me
that feedback directly.
I also suggested that if Robin or Monica wanted me to do (or not
do) something during class, or to modify my behavior in a specific
way next time around, they needed to be very explicit about it. I
assured her that telling me exactly what was expected, and how to
meet that expectation, would
not offend me in any
way.
Of course, I fully expect that advice to be discarded. It violates
the unwritten social rules and expectations of NT interactions
(e.g. "Why should I have to tell you what I expect? It's obvious,
and something you should already know!"), and most folks aren't
even aware at a conscious level of what behaviors and responses
they're expecting from others in any given situation. They just
know, on an emotional level, when those expectations aren't
met.
Regardless of how things eventually work out with Robin and Monica,
I am enjoying the chance to work with both of them, and love being
able to help other people out with their "problem" dogs. Teaching
is a great learning experience for me, as well as for the students
in the class; after all, honing my training techniques will
certainly help me work better with Glindy as we continue our
service dog partnership.
Meanwhile, I'm still on deck to teach again this coming Saturday. I
really hope it goes well.